Everyone says motherhood is full of surprises. They’re right. Here are 24 of mine.
I never thought I would…
- Leak milk at the sight of a puppy.
- Wipe up baby spew with clothing that I am wearing.
- Consider 6 a.m. on a Sunday almost a sleep-in.
- Refer to my spouse as “daddy” more frequently than I call him by name.
- Still have my child sleeping right beside my bed 5 months after his birth.
- Still want my child to sleep right beside my bed 5 months after his birth.
- Catch poo with my bare hands.
- Find myself physically incapable of letting the baby cry for longer than 57 seconds without comforting him.
- Find myself physically incapable of concentrating on conversations, tasks or oncoming traffic when the baby is crying.
- Understand why the manufacturers felt it necessary to print the following warning label on pacifier packaging: “Warning: Do not tie pacifier around a child’s neck as it presents a strangulation danger”.
- End up with a red-headed baby who is below the 40th percentile for weight and height (I mean, we’ll keep him because he is the most adorable baby ever, but I seriously think he may have been switched at birth).
- See regurgitated milk land in my (brown) hair and think, “it’s only a little bit, I don’t need wash it out today.”
- Find myself speaking in a high-pitched musical tone even when I’m not talking to the baby.
- Ricochet emotionally from extreme highs to extreme lows within half an hour.
- Change four diapers in 20 minutes.
- Feel guilty for leaving the baby with someone else for an hour so I can do some work.
- Function adequately (most of the time) on this little sleep.
- Say everything twice (“What’s the doggie doing, Dominic? What’s the doggie doing?).
- Allow the dog to lap up milk that the baby has spewed up.
- Call the dog over to lap up milk that the baby has spewed up.
- Allow the baby to lap up milk that the baby has just spewed up. (Off my shoulder, people, not the floor. Hey, I work hard to make that milk, if he wants to drink it twice, that’s fine by me).
- Feel the urge to sneeze and think first of my pelvic floor.
- Think of household items such as bed sleepers and rocking chairs with the same acquisitive lust heretofore reserved for ice cream makers.
- Feel so immediately, incandescently and uncontrollably joyful when the baby laughs.
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